Living In Color: Love, Life & Everything in Between

By Norman Lloyd, MA, LPC

Marital relationships are complicated. They’re not just about love, sex, kids, school, houses, fun, or entertainment—I could go on. They’re also about disagreements, arguments, differing opinions, and hurt feelings. I call this the relationship dance: a waltz of experiences that weave together the fabric of a partnership.

There are many things that keep this fabric from tearing, and one of them might surprise you: arguing.

What Arguing Is Not

Before I explain what healthy arguing is, let’s be clear about what it is not.

According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, four behaviors should be avoided at all costs:

• Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character or personality.
• Contempt: Treating your partner with disrespect, disgust, or scorn.
• Defensiveness: Responding with excuses, counterattacks, or playing the victim.
• Stonewalling: Shutting down, walking away, or giving the silent treatment.

In addition, it is never acceptable to use physical or emotional violence—this includes threats, intimidation, or coercion of any kind.

Another important rule: decide beforehand which topics are off-limits or require professional help (yes, relationship coaches and mediators are real, and they can make a big difference).

Now that we’ve set those boundaries, let’s step into the ring.

The Ground Rules

Arguments can start anytime, anywhere—but not every place is appropriate. Agree that arguing is an intimate act that belongs out of sight and earshot of others, especially children.

Why? Because children don’t yet have the cognitive and emotional tools to distinguish between healthy conflict and real danger. To them, arguing looks scary and destabilizing. So, don’t argue in front of kids. What you can do, however, is teach them how to disagree respectfully and express their opinions in healthy ways. That’s a valuable life lesson.

How to Argue Fair

As the argument begins, come prepared to state your points clearly. A note for the men out there: your partner may already have thought through angles, scenarios, and strategies. Don’t let that discourage you. Arguing is not about “winning.” It’s about putting your thoughts on the table and being open to hearing your partner’s.

Here are a few key practices:

• Listen to understand: Don’t just wait for your turn to speak.
• Take notes: If something stings, jot it down and revisit it later instead of reacting in the heat of the moment.
• Call a tactical pause: If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, ask for a break. But be specific about when you’ll return to the conversation.
• Acknowledge good points: Let your partner know when they’ve said something valid or important. It signals that the disagreement is about a topic—not about their worth or character.

The Bigger Picture

At its best, arguing isn’t about tearing each other down—it’s about building mutual understanding. Every disagreement, handled well, strengthens the “relationship dance.” It weaves new threads into the fabric of your partnership and keeps it resilient.

So the next time an argument arises, don’t fear it. Step into it with intention, respect, and a willingness to learn.