By Therapists Who Have Seen It All (and Sometimes Been in the Doghouse Too)
July 21st is National Get Out of the Doghouse Day — a playful nod to those times we’ve messed up, let someone down, or just plain didn’t show up the way we should have. But beneath the light-hearted label lies a profound truth: relationships are built not on perfection, but on repair.
As a therapist who has worked with countless couples and individuals, I can tell you with certainty—what sets thriving relationships apart isn’t the absence of conflict. It’s the willingness to repair after conflict. That’s where the real healing happens.
Why Repair Matters
When a rupture happens in a relationship—whether it’s a minor disagreement or a major betrayal—it leaves a mark. Emotional wounds don’t just fade with time. Without intentional repair, they can deepen, creating long-term damage to trust, safety, and intimacy.
In therapy, we often talk about attachment ruptures—those moments when a connection is broken, when one partner feels unseen, unsafe, or unloved. These ruptures can happen in subtle ways: a dismissive tone, forgotten plans, or a lack of emotional responsiveness. Or they can be more significant—betrayals, dishonesty, or chronic avoidance.
No matter the size, what matters most is what happens next.
Unrepaired hurts don’t stay quiet. They show up later in the form of:
- Short fuses and lingering resentment
- Emotional distance or withdrawal
- Passive-aggressive behavior
- Loss of sexual or emotional intimacy
- Difficulty trusting or relying on each other
It’s easy to think, “If we just move on and don’t bring it up, it’ll get better.” But that rarely works. In fact, brushing things under the rug creates a breeding ground for disconnection. Think of it like a physical wound—if you ignore it, it can get infected. But if you clean it, care for it, and give it time to heal, the pain subsides and the scar softens.
Healthy relationships aren’t about avoiding all conflict. They’re about creating an environment where safe repair is possible. Where both people can say,
➡️ “I hurt you and I want to understand.”
➡️ “I felt hurt and I want us to feel close again.”
This is what builds trust. Not never messing up—but knowing that when we do, we have the tools and emotional courage to come back together.
Repair sends the message:
💛 “You matter to me.”
💛 “Our connection is worth fighting for.”
💛 “Even when we struggle, we can find our way back.”
And here’s the kicker—it’s not just good for your relationship. Repairing conflict and reconnecting with loved ones has measurable effects on your mental and physical health: reduced stress, improved immune function, lower anxiety, and a deeper sense of emotional well-being.
So on this National Get Out of the Doghouse Day, let’s normalize the messiness of being human in relationships—and celebrate the brave, beautiful work of repair.
For Your Partner… and For Yourself
Holding on to anger, guilt, or shame doesn’t just affect the relationship—it affects you.
- Chronic resentment can lead to emotional disconnection, anxiety, and even physical health issues.
- Carrying guilt or shame without seeking repair can lead to self-sabotage or emotional withdrawal.
- Forgiveness and accountability are not just gifts to your partner—they’re acts of self-compassion too.
Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing harm—it means releasing the grip that pain has on you and your connection.
The Art of Repair
Whether you’re the one who’s hurt or the one who’s hurt someone else, repair starts with vulnerability. Here’s how:
- Own your part – Take accountability without defensiveness. A sincere “I messed up, and I’m sorry” can go a long way.
- Acknowledge the impact – Not just what happened, but how it felt for your partner.
- Listen deeply – Let them speak without interrupting, correcting, or fixing. Listening is healing.
- Make amends – Ask what they need to feel safe and connected again. And then, do it.
- Rebuild trust slowly – Repair is not a one-time event. It’s a process. Be patient—with them and yourself.
You Don’t Have to Stay in the Doghouse
Today is an invitation. If you’re carrying hurt, it’s time to address it. If you’ve hurt someone, it’s time to take the brave step of making it right. And if you’re the one being asked to forgive—consider what holding on might be costing you.
We’re all human. We all fall short sometimes. But relationships thrive not in the absence of wounds, but in the presence of repair, reflection, and reconnection.
So whether you bring flowers, a heartfelt apology, or simply a quiet “can we talk?” — use today as a reason to take one step closer to healing.
After all, the doghouse isn’t meant to be permanent. 💛
Want help navigating repair and reconnection in your relationship? This is one of the most powerful parts of therapy—reach out, let’s do the work together.
Tammy Fisher, MA, LPC-S, LMFT-S, CST
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