Self-Forgiveness: The Hardest Person to Let Off the Hook

In Norman’s recent blog on forgiveness, he reflected on how difficult—but necessary—it can be to release others from the pain they’ve caused us. That got me thinking about a different kind of release—one we don’t talk about nearly enough:
the act of forgiving ourselves.

Sometimes, it’s not just what others have done that weighs us down. It’s what we didn’t do. The times we didn’t speak up. The times we stayed silent, stayed too long, or shrank ourselves to avoid conflict. The ways we abandoned our own truth while trying to keep the peace.

Whether it’s from past inaction, choices made in fear, or not upholding our own boundaries, self-forgiveness cuts deep. It feels raw, personal, and shame-laden.
And yet, it’s also one of the most powerful steps toward peace and emotional freedom.

This post continues the conversation Norman started—but turns the mirror inward. Because sometimes the hardest person to let off the hook… is you.

I’ve Been There, Too

I don’t just teach this—I’ve lived it. Here’s what I’ve learned through my own messy, imperfect, beautiful journey.

Like most of you, I’ve experienced my boundaries being violated—by friends, parents, kids, partners, coworkers, acquaintances… even my sweet dog Ziggy (but he’s freaking adorable so I’ll allow it happily). In their defense, they probably didn’t even know they were trespassing. I spent years carrying silent anger, resentment, and negative reactions. When I wasn’t silent, I was critical. Impatient. Controlling. I’m not proud of that or the collateral damage it caused.

Sound familiar?

You might be thinking, But people keep stepping on my boundaries—or straight up bulldozing them! I’ve told them to stop, but they don’t. What else can I do?

Here’s the hard truth:
You can’t make people change.

You can only control you.

And that’s where forgiveness begins—not in changing others, but in responding authentically and reclaiming your power.

What Are Boundaries Really?

Boundaries aren’t RULES we create to control other people.
They are ACTIONS we take to honor ourselves.

If someone repeatedly violates your boundary and you stay—hoping, pleading, threatening, or rationalizing—it’s no longer about them. It’s about you.

It’s about the part of you that’s afraid to act. The part that betrays yourself, again and again, by not making the change you know you need to make.

The Real Betrayal: When We Abandon Ourselves

In therapy, I often hear:

“I told them not to do that again.”
“I’ve given them so many chances.”
“They just don’t listen.”

But what hurts the most isn’t just what others do—it’s how we betray our own values by not responding in a way that protects our peace. That inner conflict becomes fertile ground for resentment… and self-loathing.

We become angry at them, yes—but also at ourselves.
That’s when the work of self-forgiveness begins.

The Two Layers of Boundary Violations

The External Violation:
Yes, some people don’t care about your needs. That’s a reality. Maybe they’re incapable, selfish, manipulative, or just on their own journey.
The Internal Violation:
But the part we can work on?
The times we didn’t take action.
The times we stayed.
The times we betrayed ourselves by not following through.

And that’s the part that haunts us the longest.

You can’t hate yourself into healing. Forgiveness begins not with others, but within.

Forgiving Yourself: The Deepest Work of All

Reflective Questions to Start the Journey:

What boundary did I set—and how did I violate it myself?
What stopped me from taking the action I needed?
What emotion or fear was I trying to avoid?
What would forgiveness look like for me, right now?
How can I reclaim my agency and start showing up for myself?

Therapeutic Techniques to Explore:

Inner Child Work
Identify the younger part of you that learned it wasn’t safe to speak up or walk away. Offer compassion to that part instead of judgment.
Somatic Processing
Notice where you feel guilt or shame in your body. Breathe into it. Move it. Let it speak.
Mirror Work or Journaling
Practice speaking to yourself like you would a friend: “You did the best you could with what you had. You’re still learning. You’re still worthy.”
Courageous Action
Self-forgiveness isn’t passive. Sometimes the most healing thing we can do is take one hard, aligned step—even when it feels scary.

Client Story (Disguised)

A woman I once worked with stayed in a relationship for years with a partner who repeatedly crossed her boundaries. She tried everything—talks, ultimatums, even couple’s counseling. But nothing changed. The real shift didn’t happen until she realized she was angry at herself. Not just him. Angry for staying, for tolerating, for betraying her own truth. The day she left was terrifying. But it was also the first day she felt whole. Not because she got closure from him—but because she finally showed up for herself.

Final Thoughts

Forgiving others may feel hard, but forgiving ourselves?
That takes radical honesty and fierce self-love.

You don’t have to carry the shame forever. You don’t have to wait for someone else to validate your pain or give you permission to move on. You can grieve what happened, take ownership of your part, and still be gentle with yourself.

You are not your worst mistake.
You are not your silence.
You are not broken.

You are healing.
You are growing.
You are worthy of peace.

If this resonates with you, take a moment today to offer yourself the compassion you’ve been waiting to receive from others. You deserve it.

Tammy Fisher, MA, LPC-S, LMFT-S, CST

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